Heartbreak (a poem)

Inspired by Sara Pascoe and Celia Martinez

I didn't have a heartbreak

I didn't love so young

I was the heartbreaker, I feel

And for that I feel wrong.

It's not that I meant to

Hell, no, I didn't

I was young and inexperienced.

But maybe I could've been a little braver, knowing now the rarity of happiness.

I was terrified

Of something I was yet to experience.

But that sentence is redundant as

I have experienced it, now.

And it is painful and it hurts and this year has been hard.

I would hate the love I've felt

If it wasn't for the strength I've uncovered.

I know it sounds so naff to a teen mind

And maybe that's why I hated love so much

Because of love's relation to fear.

You see, what they never told us

Was bravery feels a lot like fear.

And what you run from should scare you

But running from love could create even deeper trouble.

Love is everywhere

I know that now

You just need to look for that.

Although tell that to younger me and wow would you see a sour face.

You get knowledge when you're at your lowest

It teaches you lessons.

At least, the reflection on it does.

I had a friendship breakup

It hurt like hell

I ran to the woods to cry and yell.

Hoping that...

Hoping that perhaps I would know what to do

If I just waited.

I told myself it wasn't the worst that could happen

But maybe that was invalidating

Because to stay in a whirlwind of feelings

Is no way for a girl to live, staring at the ceiling.

The let down feeling, the feeling of shame.

I carry it with me, that hollow friend, 'inadequacy'

It haunts me.

Why do these things stay?

The insecurities, ten years in the making

They stay with no let up in how they affect me

Why am I yelling over something I can't control?

'Why do people always leave?'

I asked after my last failed relationship.

I thought 'it's like before'

(Before being the friendship break up

The memory ghostly on the side lines

Tainting my moves today).

But I know now that trying is better than not trying

You only fail if you do not try

The safety I feel inside my comfort zone

Is the unknown that will someday grab me

By the arms

And yank me off my seat.

Throw me unceremoniously

Into the deep end.

I know it won't be pretty

So I've got to try.

Be bold,

That stuff isn't happening anymore.

The scars remain but strength wins.

It's time to heal.

It's time to feel.

To reflect and accept,

And know that tomorrow,

I can try again.

Written by: Helen Flower

Written: 02/01/25

Edited: 03/01/25

I welcome constructive feedback.